淘哈哈

　　　When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: “Wake up, sir!”
　　　”I wasn’t asleep,” the man answered.
　　　”Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed.”
　　　”I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car.”

“You can’t imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife,” the man complained to his friend. “She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.

Three men were sitting on a bench in the park.The middle one was reading a newspaper, and
the others were pretending to fish. They baitedimaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their
catch. A passing policeman stopped to watchthe spectacle and asked the man in the middle
if he knew the other two. “Oh, yes,they’re my friends!”“In that case,” the police officer warned him,
“you had better get them out of here.”“Yes, Sir!” the man replied, andhe began rowing furiously.

A man went into a restaurant in a strange city and

asked the waiter for some food. The waiter asked

him what he wanted. Since the man was kind of

homesick and lonely, he said, “How about a

meatloaf, some bread and a kind word.” When

the waiter returned with the meatloaf and the

bread, the man said, “Where’s the good word

for me?” The waiter put down the meatloaf

and sighed, then whispered into the man’s ear,

“Don’t eat the meatloaf!”

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.” The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

　　One evening I drove my husband’s car to the shopping mall.
　　On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.”The woman who loves you the
most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.”
　　My husband looked up and said, “Mom’s here?”

　　– My uncle has 1000 men under him.

　　– He is really somebody. What does he do?

　　– A maintenance man in a cemetery.

　　”Doctor,” she said loudly, bouncing into the room, “I want you to say frankly what’s wrong with me.”
　　He surveyed her from head to foot. “Madam,” he said at length, “I’ve just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I’m an artist—the doctor lives downstairs.”